an existential kick in the ass

I've been raked over the coals this week. yesterday i got a rejection letter from a smaller law firm in my hometown. so that leaves the DC firm and two in houston. new york already dinged me as well. i also got very close to the lowest grade in the class on my accounting for lawyers midterm, further proving that i have no business doing math (or business, for that matter) of any kind. i met with the professor for whom i have been doing research, but was over an hour late. i have been putting off finishinga project for my summer job that must be done this sfternoon. and today i overslept and was forced to come to class sporting greasy hair and dirty jeans and a ten year old, holey p-funk concert tee.

normally the next sentence would be about how i can't believe that people are going to bring me their sensitive legal matters and expect me to deal with them, and how can i do that when i can't manage to even get out of bed on time. but i am beginning to think that my whole problem stems from that kind of thinking.

before law school i was a waitress and bartender. it still seems weird to me sometimes that this is what i'm doing now, and that someday in the not too distant future this will be how i support myself. i guess deep down i still feel like i should be bringing lawyers a seared diver scallop salad with plum vinaigrette over their extravagant 2 hour lunch, not joining them. it's very strange to find myself sitting at that table and not serving it. it's this general lack of confidence that's killing me in interviews, a feeling that i'm faking it, playing a part none too convincingly.

the situation is improving, somewhat. for the most part, i only get bogged down on days like yesterday, when the evidence of my iniquity seems to pile up around me. deep down i'm scared to death that i can't support myself on my intellect, that i am better suited for the work of my past life. i quit my waitress job here over the summer, and have been exclusively a student this semester. it is nice to have that distance, to move forward into my professional life, and i know as i get further from it that i will feel more like a lawyer and less like a poseur. i just don't yet.