is anyone else sad...

that they don't say "you bet your sweet aspercream" anymore? it was such a cute little play on words. "you bet if it's aspercream" doesn't have the same punch.

can they be serious?

holy guacamole. taken directly from jesuspets.com:

"If you're a Christian, you've got a big problem on your hands. After you're swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they'll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)"

i think we should all go sign up as godless heathen pet lovers willing to take care of the animals of the hapless christians who are no longer here due to the rapture. though it's kind of a raw deal, i mean they get to walk the streets of gold with fucking jesus, and we have to pick up a metric ton of dog crap. well, at least we won't have to do it for long, what with the lava from mt. st. helens and all.

edited to add: you apparently don't even have to be a godless heathen! you could also be a muslim, jew, or other non-christian! you just have to promise that you won't become born again between now and the rapture, and that you won't eat the pets no matter how bad the tribulations get.

poor mr. helmick

"Before the accident, Mr. Helmick performed manual labor such as digging ditches. Unfortunate as the circumstances are, there is not a great need in West Virginia for one-armed ditch diggers."

Helmick v. Potomac Edison Co., 406 S.E.2d 700 (1991)

i had to look it up

"Decisions...sink into a Serbonian bog of contradiction."

fun legal fact!

did you know that if you are the decedent victim of a tort, and you die mere seconds or minutes after the tort occurs, your estate can be handsomely rewarded for the brief interval of time during which you were terrified and knew of your impending death? a jury in NY awarded the estate of a child who had drowned $6 million, after an expert testified that the child struggled and was conscious of his own fast appraoching demise for aproximately six minutes. that's a million dollars per minute! nice work if you can get it. oh wait...

(pardon the gallows humor, but i'm just so irrepressibly joyful that my toilet is working again that even impending death and terror is kinda funny to me.)

goddammotherfuckingapple!

yeah, i get it, okay? i am not as fucking cool as you with your goddam apple. should i not have access to good shit because i'm a fucking PC dinosaur nerdling?

i really want to listen to this, but i can't. this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. i try to forget them as quickly as i can, cause i know i have no access to them, but i know there is other shit that i can't fucking listen to cause of apple's fucking monopoly on anything fucking cool. fuck you steve jobs, you asshole!

today, i went to wendy's to take a crap

last night was a lot like my high school prom. in the sense that it was all overwrought preparation for a remarkably small payoff. dinner was meh. i had the lobster tail and crabcake combo...the lobster tail was kinda rubbery, like it had been frozen or something. w got the veal, and he was so excited, but it kinda sucked. i mean, it didn't taste bad, but we both decided that the mushroom sauce tasted like campbells. and there was a big thread of gristley nast in it. and the service was absolutely deplorable. i actually regretted tipping as much as we did, and we didn't even leave 20%. i mean, w and i got there early and had to wait about 10-15 minutes for the rest of our party. this is the time when waitress mel would go to the people who arrived early and offer them a drink--start running up that bill as early as possible and make sure that the people aren't sitting there getting more and more disgruntled before dinner even starts.

the dance itself was just lame. when i hear "open bar," i imagine some halfway decent liquors being offered. evan williams? not good. fucking rotgut, actually. and the bartender made really strong drinks, which i normally wouldn't bitch about, but DAMN!! i need a little sweet with the sour! AND the dance was supposed to go from 9-12, but the bar closed at 10:45. WTF?

so we left early and went to a friend's house. i was a semi DD so i was fine, but w was sick as a dog today, as was everyone else i've talked to today. so i guess i dodged a bullet. we did drink some nice champamgne and a decent oregon pinot at dinner. that was the highlight for me.

and to top it all off, w broke the toilet. i don't want to talk out of school, but he was...in a hurry to get to the toilet and opened the lid a little...okay, he flung the fucking thing open. i heard a sound from the living room that was like rushing water, and i just assumed he had turned the shower on. oh no. the fucking tank broke. so we now poop at wendy's. actually, w poops at wendy's and i poop at school.